Comparing Myself

10:23 AM


I was scared, and just beginning to think about giving up on something.

"Brynn would never give up," a voice whispered in my head.

I pouted and shook my head yes--Brynn wouldn't just give up because she was scared up. Then I wondered, "Why do I care what Brynn would or wouldn't do? She's just the main character of my book--I'm the one who created her."

Then I realized: when I created the main character for my novel, I created the person that I want to be. I constantly find myself saying, "Brynn would do this" or "Brynn wouldn't do this". She isn't fearless in the way most people think--she still has fears, but she ignores her fear; she won't be stopped.

And that's how I want to be, I guess.

I've been realizing what a fearful person I am. I'm not sure why--I now that I shouldn't fear anything, because fearing is another way of saying that I don't trust God enough to let Him take care of me. I need to take my hands off the situation because there isn't a single thing I can do for myself--everything is up to God. He will take care of me and I realize that.

After this thought came pounding on me, I realized that I've discovered a lot about myself simply by writing. It's pretty cool, if you think about it. Somehow, I subconsciously created a main character for my novel who is the person I want to be (except for her flaws... she's pretty messed up when it comes to her flaws). I never noticed that until just the other night, but it is so true. And that's why I always find myself comparing myself to Brynn (my main character).

My goal for this year is to be fearless. I already have conquered some fears, and I plan on conquering some more. It's a little funny for me to think that in some ways, I my goal for this year is to be more like the main character in my novel.


“Becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it.” 
~ Divergent, by Veronica Roth


I realize that this post probably seems rambling. These thoughts just hit me full on last night, and I felt like I needed to write them down somewhere; that always helps me straighten things out in my mind--and it has once again.

Have you ever discovered anything about yourself through writing? Or maybe something else?

Emily
xoxo

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2 comments

  1. I can really relate to this. Many of my female lead characters have always been based after me but have always exhibited more courage or character then I ever have and I finally realized I was only writing something that I wished I was, then what I actually was. Which is why Penny from The Twisted Book is so different; she IS me and I've put a lot of my own fears and failures into her. So far, she is my favorite character to write because I can now actually relate to her! :)

    But, yeah. I wish I could be as strong as some of my other characters are. LOL

    ~Jamie

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    Replies
    1. Oh, the joys of writing! :D haha

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