Three o'clock at Night Feeling

3:50 PM

Last night was kind of rough. I went to bed around 10:00 or 10:30. Then I woke up at 1:38. I tried to fall back asleep, but I couldn't. So, at 4:00, when my parents woke up, I got out of bed and played the Wii. What made me wake up so early? I think that it might of been the 25mg of caffeine in the soda I had before bed (I had a late supper).

As I laid in bed for those two hours, I started to think. Now, you should all know that I love to think. Sometimes, it seems like a gift. Other times, though, it seems like a curse. I wondered why I couldn't be normal like other people--why was I different? Why did I have to be born with an imagination that exceeds all boundaries? Why do I like to think? I wish that my mind could always be clear--never thinking of anything. Then I thought, "But that's what makes me me"--I wouldn't be Emily Paige without everything I've just mentioned.

My problem is, though, that I know that. Sometimes I wish I wasn't Emily Paige. I mean, I want to keep my family, friends, where I live, and everything else the same--just not my imagination, and love of writing and thinking. Sometimes I wish that I didn't dream (not dreams at night, the aspiring types of dreams). Don't get me wrong; I love to write, I love having a big imagination, and I love to think--but not always. It's those "3:00 morning feelings" that make me feel this way, as Emily puts it in Emily's Quest.

Now that it's daytime, I feel better. I know that God made me the way I am for a reason. Maybe I can't see why I am the way I am, but I just have to "keep trusting my Lord," as the song says. And I know that without this huge imagination, I would be so dull and lifeless (that sounds like something Anne Shirley would say). The fact is, humans are never satisfied--and one of the things that they're never satisfied with is themselves. I think that everyone has said, "I'm tired of being me." When that happens to me, I feel like I need to stop writing the junk that I write. But God gave me a love of writing, and I can use it for Him. As I said before, God has a purpose for me--I'm this way for a reason. I can't change it, and if I could, I don't think I would, because I love to write. I love sitting down and thinking. True, sometimes I wish I would not think of anything. But then, life would be rather plain, and so unexciting.

Here's part of a conversation in Emily's Quest that I like.

"A little knack.....what does it amount to? Especially when you're lying awake at three o'clock at night?"
"Oh, I know that feeling......Last night I mulled over a story for hours and concluded despairingly that I could never write--that it was no use to try--that I couldn't do anything really worth while. I went to bed on that note and drenched my pillow with tears. Woke up at three and couldn't even cry. Tears seemed as foolish as laughter--or ambition. I was quite bankrupt in hope and belief. And then I got up in the chilly grey dawn and began a new story. Don't let a three-o'clock-at night feeling fog your soul."

There's more to the conversation and I'd love to put it here--in fact there's whole chapters that I'd love to put in this post from all three of the Emily novels. But that would take a long time. I might go read those books. I can really relate to Emily. We're so much a like. It's amazing to read a book that's almost like a biography. I think I'll read Emily's Quest now. Good-bye. I think I've just conquered my three o'clock at night feeling.

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4 comments

  1. I know that feeling too. I don't get it at threeo'clock though. it comes to me when i'm off my guard, and all of a sudden i feel just like Emily of new moon. I feel like I'm a failure, like it's dumb to think that I could ever be really good at the violin. There are so many people that are vastly better than I am that it seems like I'm at the foot of some huge mountain where there are sharp rocks and a steep incline all the way to the top of the mount that is surrounded by clouds so that no one knows what is at the top. but then you see that they're are figures running, climbing fast, or crawling on their hands and knees painfully upward. And you know that you were born to climb that mountain, even if you never even get close to finishing.

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  2. Whoa, Sarah. That was amazing. This helped me so much. I'm going to write this down in my quote book. You and I are so much alike. Thanks again. And don't forget that I believe that you are and will a great violinist! Love you,

    Emily of Meadowbrook

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  3. I think you are both super!

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  4. Thanks! You're pretty super, too!

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Thanks for taking the time to comment--I read each one :)

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